Chapter 12, Part 1: A Meet-Cute

You don’t need the God of Death, until you need them.

No matter what they tell you, the God of Death may assume many forms. It is a skill that comes with the power of the office. The God of Death can become a floating skull if they wanted, or even a bird, for llama’s sake. Do not let them bullshit you. -The Book of the Dead, Revised Edition

Alice woke up with a start. She was in a bedroom, but it wasn’t her bedroom. And judging from how comfortable the mattress was, this certainly wasn’t her bed. 

“Where the fuck am I?” she shouted.

“Calm down, calm down. We’re at the Plaza hotel in San Myshuno. You should see the view from the balcony. It’s really quite spectacular,” Ben soothed.

Alice nearly leapt out of the bed. “The Plaza..San Myshuno…what? How the hell did I get to San Myshuno? Wait, why the hell am I in San Myshuno?” 

“Well, I didn’t see how else we were going to get to auditions. Speaking of which, we should try some baking. We’ve secured access to a commercial kitchen, you know.”

“Ben. Cut the bullshit. I am freaked out. The last thing I remember was saving Ted Roswell from some cowplants that I created and then you told me to run!”

“Oh. Right. That. Do you remember anything else?”

“What? No. If I remembered anything else I wouldn’t be here freaking the fuck out. What is going on?”

“Well,” Ben said slowly, “You were out of commission, so I used the opportunity to secure us passage to San Myshuno so you can compete in the baking contest and win the prize.”

Ben explained it as if bring her bodily to San Myshuno against her wishes was no big deal. 

“Ben we have been through this…” Alice trailed off as she looked around the room. It was incredibly fancy. Gilded furniture, fresh flowers on the fireplace, a suede ottoman…

“We can’t afford this place. How can we afford this place?”

“Oh, well your parents wanted to make sure you were safe and you never used your college fund so here we are,” Ben chuckled, “Now, where should we begin? Breads? Donuts?”

Alice’s mind was reeling. She got up slowly, but her body felt like it was back in prime condition. She looked around for her suitcase. She couldn’t be in San Myshuno. She couldn’t compete on this show. She just wanted to go home, back to StrangerVille, back to—

“Back to what? Nothing?” Ben’s voice was rough.

He softened it. “You were wasting away, Alice. That was no life you were living. You were just…existing.”

Hurt lanced through her, “I wasn’t just existing! It’s you. You’re the reason I’m stuck like this!” 

And then she recalled their conversation. She was the God of Death. Or the almost God of Death. So that made her the monster, didn’t it?

“Alice, you are not a monster. There’s nothing wrong with you at all.”

“Are you kidding? Have you seen my life?” Alice cried. “Of course I’m a monster! Why would I want to go on baking show on international television to show the whole world?”

“Because you could be normal!” Ben stressed. 

Alice stopped talking and sat down. She could be normal? That was the kind of news a girl needed to take a seat for. “What do you mean?”

“The prize is the Owl of Undoing, an object of nigh incomprehensible power. If you go after it…you will be…normal.”

Alice felt unmoored, like her whole life was trying to reorder itself in light of this new information. What would it be like to not feel like a complete and total freak?

Alice fretted and looked down at her hands. “You promise?” 

“I swear it,” Ben replied solemnly. 

    10 comments
  • Dolly Llama
    November 19, 2019

    I can’t comment the Always Sunny ‘meat cube’ gif, but am loving the near-relativistic speed at which Alice goes from ‘I am a bumbling rom-com lead because the God of Death is in my head and he’s distracting me’ to ‘I touch you now.’ Meat cube!

    • feroshgirl
      November 24, 2019

      LOL now I wish the title of the chapter was “meet cube.” Dang, missed opportunities.

  • snickerbubble
    November 20, 2019

    I’m sure Alice is relieved and bewildered to finally meet someone just as weird and unexplainable as she is. Totes cute tho!

    • feroshgirl
      November 24, 2019

      Yes she is! Here she was feeling all alone in the world and then: bam! Now, whether she regrets that there’s a whole bunch of other creatures out there is another story. Things are gonna get complicated 🙂

  • theplumbob
    July 7, 2020

    Aaah! Yay! They have met! I’m so excited! Seems to be going surprisingly well, too. I’m glad Alice has decided to give the baking show a shot.

  • Ninja Pink Sex
    September 1, 2022

    I feel a lot of sympathy for Alice. She wakes up in a strange bed and her first thought isn’t that she blacked out and had a 1-night-stand. Alice, Ben has done you a disservice.

    “Well,” Ben said slowly, “You were out of commission, so I used the opportunity to secure us passage to San Myshuno so you can compete in the baking contest and win the prize.”
    Wow, Ben. You just admitted to some heavy, immoral shit. Maybe Elmira wasn’t the baddie after all. BOOM. (didn’t expect that from me, eh?).

    Alice jumped after that carrot that Ben dangled in front of her. Normal. But is it Alice’s idea of normal or Ben’s idea of normal? And (I know I asked this previously, but) *CAN* Alice ever be (her idea of) normal?

    And here is the moment of infatuation. Alice doesn’t seem to be as into Vlad as he is into her, so that’s interesting, and not similar to The Strauds (the bar scene LIVES in my mind). Vlad is like sprung on Alice right away, even if he refuses to listen to his conscience. Alice, okay, yeah, sure, she checks him out, but then once she finds out he’s a vampire she’s intrigued in *that* aspect of him, rather than him.

    (I’m just going to comment on here for pt. 2).

    He even is the one fantasizing about her sexually, while she’s like VAMPIRE! VAMPIRE! COOL!

    “Alice Martin is simply a means to an end.” Okay, keep telling yourself that, Vlad. We know you want to bang it out with her and the owl statue is a second thought. I guess being “cursed” isn’t as bad as not getting to bang Alice. Like, I ain’t trying to say shit, Alice is hot. Just that… I approve of his priorities 😉

    “His conscience did not miss an opportunity to comment on his lie.” Oh, snap. Vlad is MORE than just wanting to get into Alice’s panties. He is SPRUNG off that pretty mouth. Little does he know she lusted after him at the library the other day. I wouldn’t be surprised if she tore his picture out of the book. I WOULDN’T DO THAT… I’ve … never done… something like THAT…..

    • feroshgirl
      September 2, 2022

      JUSTICE FOR ELMYRA!!!! FINALLY SOMEONE IS ON MY SIDE!!! hahahahaha

      Ben has definitely done her a disservice! Or Alice has done herself a disservice. He was right when he said she hadn’t been living. I mean, going to the library and watching reality TV while drinking alone in your trailer is not the vibe.

      Vlad ALWAYS falls hard! Haha. I am tired of the trope where the woman is all lovely-dovey and ready to settle down and she’d got to convince the guy, as if men don’t want those things. Vlad is 100% DTF but also he would like to be married, please. And maybe adopt? He just wants to slay his enemies and then make you a cup of tea and cuddle okay?

      But he’s so in denial! You’re right, this Vlad is different. In the Strauds he’s made so much more peace with who is and what he wants.

      Yo. I just want to say for all the librarians out there: neither I nor Pink would ever tear a page out of a library book and use it for some lustful “guided meditation.”

      #hotprincevladdy

      • Ninja Pink Sex
        September 2, 2022

        LOL It’s not the vibe that’s gonna get you any better than a woohoo-fling in a jail cell.

        Vlad is a gentleman with an agenda to kill. Yum! Stop making me want Vlad so damn much lol.

        LMAO LONG LIVE HOTPRINCEVLADDY

  • sirianasims
    September 26, 2022

    It feels like Ben has some ulterior motive here. Like, whatever he wants the owl for is as much for his own sake as for Alice’s benefit. Does he want to untangle them too so he can fully be the God of Death (and other stuff) again? Or make her fully his heir so she can be a “normal” God of Death instead of this complicated entanglement they’re in? Sus, Ben. Very sus. 👀

    OH GOD VLAD AND ALICE JUST FUCK ALREADY.
    Please?

    • feroshgirl
      September 27, 2022

      OH THEY WILL

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