Chapter 13: Nothing to See Here Folks!

Completely normal sim walking.

Razing a city to the ground using lightning is not a decision made lightly (anymore). Now, the process requires at least six forms, to be completed in triplicate, and the approval of one or more lesser demons. Denizens of the city have exactly 47 minutes to submit an appeal which, with time being a flat circle, is certainly more than sufficient. – The Book of the Dead, Revised Edition

Alice was aware that she couldn’t stay in the bathtub forever. She told Vlad and William that she’d be ready at eight o’clock and Vlad struck her as the punctual type. Still, she sank deeper into the water. What the hell had possessed her to ask the vampire and his friend to join her? Alice was not a fan of parties, true, but she also wasn’t a fan of being around others. Vladislaus Straud certainly counted as other.

She groaned. Was he the Prince Vlad she read about in the book? That was totally possible since vampires lived forever right?

Oh shit, was she flirting with royalty?!?!?! 

Alice turned in the tub, sloshing water everywhere.  

No, no, that didn’t make any sense. Even if he was royalty, that was in the past. The world thought vampires were myth so he couldn’t very well show up in the Windenburg House of Commons and say: “I’m the Vladislaus Straud from the painting over there and I am your king. Bow to me please.”

She chuckled to herself and turned to sink back down into the tub. She doubted the word “please” was in Vlad’s vocabulary. He was grumpy. And kind of an asshole. A sexy asshole, but still, every time he started to look excited about anything, he quickly covered it with a scowl, like he was afraid to enjoy his life. 

Afterlife? 

Un-life?

How did vampires refer to their state of being? Alice didn’t know anything about them, aside from what she had seen on TV, and she was pretty sure that was made up. 

An unsettling thought occurred to her as she got out of the tub. She was the God of Death. Or at least, the “almost” God of Death. What if she killed him? What if she sucked the life right out of him like she nearly did to Mark? What if she called some terrible beast from below and it tore his head off?

What if…

Alice silenced her thoughts for a moment and looked around the bathroom. It was suspiciously quiet in her head. Ben was a lighter presence, but she had grown used to him bantering and answering her. Talking to Ben was like, well, talking to herself. 

She heard happy humming in her head, but no response. 

Like talking to an unruly, rude, arrogant, know-it-all part of herself, but…

“Now wait just a minute!” Ben exclaimed

“There you are! I knew you were still there. Lurking!”

“Lurking?” Ben gasped, sounding offended. “I wasn’t lurking! I was doing what you asked! And anyway,” he sniffed, “You didn’t address me directly.”

“Fine. Hello Ben. Please come and join the conversation. What’s the answer? Am I a danger to him? Could I kill him?”

“Well, I mean technically, vampires are undead…”

“Ben!” Alice snapped.

“What? By mortal standards, they are immortal. And by supernatural standards, they are incredibly hard to kill, so that’s a good number of points in the hardiness box…”

Alice groaned. “Ben!”

“Yes?”

“You’re stonewalling. And don’t pretend to misunderstand me. It means you’re avoiding the question.”

Ben was quiet for a moment. “Alice…I don’t want to scare you.”

Alice swallowed. She couldn’t pretend to be braver than she was, but as her father always said: being unafraid was not a requirement for being brave. “Ben, I think the time to worry about scaring me is over. I nearly killed StrangerVille’s mayor with a cowplant.”

Ben gave a mild laugh. “That was impressive.”

“So?”

He sighed. “Alice, you can raise the dead, call forth creatures from the furthest reaches of the underworld, make every field from here to Selvadorada fallow, raze a city to the ground with lightning. Yes, you can kill a vampire.”

Alice’s stomach dropped. “Oh.”

    15 comments
  • snickerbubble
    December 1, 2019

    Oh god. I’m feeling secondhand embarrassment haha!

    • feroshgirl
      December 1, 2019

      LOL I cringed as I wrote it! HAHAHAHA

  • Dolly Llama
    December 3, 2019

    Oh. Lawd. Between Alice talking to a floating skull, getting the weather Vladsplained to her, and thinking any sort of social recovery that involved interpretive dance was a good idea, I spent half this chapter wheezing with laughter.

    Thank you for the shout-out 😀 (Also: Rad51, the BRCAs, FANCA, FANCB, FANCC, FANCD1, FANCD2, 14 others that you can probably guess, but not FANCH and FANCK for some reason. YEAH BEN HAVE FUN WITH THAT)

    • Dolly Llama
      December 3, 2019

      And I forgot:
      – All I can think of in response to Vlad saying “you’re wearing that?” is him screaming “YOU CAN’T SIT WITH US”
      – I’ll be over here bracing myself for the inevitable ‘dancing with death’/’flirting with death’ joke

      • feroshgirl
        December 3, 2019

        Now I really want to make a scene where Vlad is sitting in a lunch room at the popular table. oh no…I just pictured twilight. Oh no. this was an attack on myself.

  • theplumbob
    July 7, 2020

    Lol, Alice 😂

    The outfit she picked is cute! One of my favourite tops in the game. Can’t wait to see how the mkxer goes.

    “There’s a section of your mind that is still trying to remember the alternate names of every protein in the Fanconi Anemia pathway from your high school biology class. I’ll go there.” Ahahahaha this is so good! I so have that part of my mind too 😆

    • feroshgirl
      July 8, 2020

      Mine too! That little bit was courtesy of Dolly Llama, it made for such a good joke hahahaha

  • Yimiki
    January 26, 2021

    Oh my gods I was just about to die with second-hand embarassment there xD she can’t blame Ben for this one, either. Nope, dearie, that one was all you 😂

    • feroshgirl
      January 26, 2021

      I CRINGED WRITING THIS ENTIRE SCENE. I read it again after your comment and I still cringed. Gah, I can’t believe I put her through that.

  • Manny Likes Sims
    March 3, 2022

    So, is Vlad the *punctual* or the *punctural* type? heyyyooo …i’ll see myself out now

    (also i’m digging vlad’s asshole-but-wait-is-he-actually-being-kinda-sweet tsundere-ness towards Alice. of course, this was all *before* her magnificent display of “normal sim walking,” so I guess all bets are off now XD)

    • feroshgirl
      March 7, 2022

      This is actually the exact joke that this story needs to help it ascend to the next level LOLOLOLOL

      Vlad is a murder-beast, but he’s like…a very besotted murder-beast 🙂

  • Ninja Pink Sex
    September 1, 2022

    And now the lusty thoughts turn in Alice’s head. She’s pretty chill for someone that is putting the pieces together that Vlad might be Prince Vlad. Maybe I’m projecting. I would not be chill. I would be on my phone Googling homie’s name. I’m not surprised that she is more intrigued than freaking out about vamp. I would imagine it would be unsurprising, especially since your body is inhabited by the God of Death and you can summon a cowplant (at least with legends/myths you’ve had some time for your brain to process those things at some point in your life. a fucking cowplant though? Unless your kink is Little Shop of Horrors – not to be confused with the porn parody Little Sop of Whores – it’s hard to wrap your brain around a giant carnivorous plant that’s part cow).

    I’m going to assume the “pickings were slim” from the clothes Ben packed for Alice. No hate for her shirt, but even she realized she was dressed basic when two hot vampires (cough, DUDES, cough) showed up looking better dressed than Alice. Ben, you’ve been “alive” for centuries and you can’t pack women’s clothes? Yeah, Elmira was right to toss him under a bus. Ben, I’m disappointed.

    Oye, Williams’ confusion and yikes to Alice acting a fool to try to save herself from the embarrassment of … idk… her conversing with Ben. Look, she KNOWS their vampires. THEY know she knows they’re vampires. Is Ben forcing her to keep quiet about him or is she just too embarrassed? I assumed she was embarrassed but after her “save” failed, I hope she can just talk about her uh… situation, at least with people that seem the least likely to think she’s cr– the “c” word.

    Regardless of her struggle and even feeling unable to share what’s going on with individuals most likely to understand or be compassionate about her circumstance, this was HILARIOUS to read. Your humor really shines through with Alice’s vulnerability, and it was my favorite part to read. I love humor, and I love how relatable Alice is (to me and my spazzy self anyways). <3

    • feroshgirl
      September 2, 2022

      Alice is very chill! But you hit the nail don’t he head: I mean she’s got the God of Death stuck in her head so a vampire is just some nice confirmation that she’s not out of her mind. Plus, when you spend some more time with Alice’s family, you’ll understand why she takes a lot of this in stride LOL.

      (WHY DID I NOT MAKE A COWPLANT KINK JOKE!?!?!?!?!?!? Sigh. I lacked your guiding light in this story)

      Ben is wearing a raggedy set of robes and old boots. Fashion is not his strong suit. Also, Alice doesn’t really go anywhere so yeah, options were limited.

      The way you have gone Team Elmyra just warms my heart LOLOLOL.

      Ooohh yes, you’ve picked up on Alice’s insecurity. I don’t think its just that she wants to keep it secret, she also doesn’t have a lot of practice interacting with people without the help of a lot of alcohol or drugs. She is awkward!

      And that last part of your comment means so much. I mean, this was early in my simlit writing time so I was still learning a lot about character voice and trying out jokes. I know I talk about Vlad a lot but Alice is just my baby, in part because she is vulnerable and a bit of a mess but trying her goddamn best <3

      • Ninja Pink Sex
        September 2, 2022

        LOL it did NOT click in my head about Ben’s wardrobe choice until you mentioned it. I just accepted old god = old fashion style. Yeah, he could totally be rocking a YSL suit and he chooses a monk’s? robe. I’ll bet it’s never been laundered. Now I’m thinking about Ben’s underwear and how long he’s been wearing that. God help me.
        But you’re right. Ben is fashion clueless. I mean there’s a lot of things he’s clueless about, but fashion is one at the top of the list.

  • sirianasims
    September 26, 2022

    oh god alice get it together 🙈

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