Chapter 17: Rules For Your Vampire Boyfriend

ALICE

When your boyfriend was a vampire who had been kicking it since before the middle ages, it was hard to have any kind of chill. Alice tried, though. She focused on asking questions about his actual life, not his fangs, but Vlad seemed annoyed no matter what. A few weeks ago, during sex, she’d asked if he liked her on top and everything, including his erection, went south.

After that, she started turning their dates into outings with Gwendolyn. It was good for them to get to know each other, and the only time she saw Vlad completely relaxed was with the Tiny Terror. 

“She reminds me of Lilith,” he laughed when Alice laid down with him on the picnic blankets. 

They’d spent the morning splashing in the pond and trying to catch frogs. Gwendolyn had the exact dexterity one would expect from a toddler, but Vlad had infinite amounts of patience.

“Was Lilith terrible at catching frogs too?” Alice leaned back against his chest. She’d never noticed that he didn’t have a heartbeat but now found the lack of sound soothing. 

He chuckled and threaded his fingers through hers, his expression soft. “Lilith was born a spellcaster, which caused my ex-wife and me no small amount of challenges. She’d zoom from place to place and apparate into rooms at will. More than once, I had to pull on a linen shirt and breeches and track out to the woods in the middle of the night to let her run off the excess magic.”

“Yep, that sounds like Gwendolyn. Minus the magic part.” Alice sat up to face him, deciding to try her luck with another question. She loved talking about Gwendolyn; maybe he liked to talk about his kids too. “You said she’s some kind of genius professor?”

“The best Britechester has, not they know it. Or pay her enough.” He preened, launching into an explanation of her research which sounded borderline mystical to Alice but also very cool.

“And you had another kid?” she asked, “What was his name again?” 

Vlad’s expression shuttered. “Caleb.”

“What’s he—”

“We had a falling out over a century ago. He doesn’t talk to me.” He bit out every word like it was painful to say.

It was then that Alice realized how infinitely stupid she was. Yes, they both had baggage, but Vlad had over a thousand years of it. Her questions weren’t making him feel cared for; they gave him anxiety.

“Come here,” she tugged him down until his head was in her lap, running her fingers through his hair which had now grown into soft waves. He groaned, eyes fluttering shut as her nails scrapped across his scalp. 

“I think,” she began quietly, “Our first rule is a moratorium on our pasts. We don’t have to spend all our time interrogating each other. We’ll just tell each other stuff when it’s relevant.” 

He sat up, movements slow and languid, as he pulled her onto his lap with a smile. “Suprisingly, I like that rule.”

“Good. I’m sorry I overwhelmed you,” she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “You don’t have to tell me shit if you don’t want to.”

“I want to tell you things,” he assured her, “I could do with fewer questions, yes, but it’s answering that gives me anxiety. I don’t know how to be. I don’t know how you’ll react to me unfiltered.”

Alice didn’t know either, but that was her problem to deal with, not his. “I don’t want you to be anything other than yourself. I mean, I don’t know how to ‘be’ either. You’re my first vampire boyfriend and if you hadn’t noticed, I’m an ex-con bartender who does not like sims.”

He nipped playfully at her lip, “Your dislike of sims is one of your more attractive qualities. And I will try to be myself, hopefully it’s more suave than scary.”

She giggled, “Hey, I see ghosts. Maybe I’m the scary one.”

CALEB

Caleb was only at a mortal gym in the suburbs because he had a lot of energy to burn. It certainly had nothing to do with Bella, even if it was in her neighborhood…a short jog from her house. 

Shit. He really was a lovesick idiot. And a total creeper. 

Well, not a total creeper. They were dating and working out at her neighborhood gym, hoping to casually run into her was…

Pathetic.

Shit.

At least he understood why she was holding back. Divorces were draining—in the case of his parents, literally—and they weren’t the ideal time to be seen dating someone. 

Maybe he could figure out a way to take her out in the Magic Realm. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about running into someone she knew and, thus, giving her ex-husband ammunition. Bella made him sound vindictive, which tracked. He had vague memories of the Goths, and none of them were good. She probably didn’t want to lose her kids.

Kids? Fuck. Caleb hadn’t ever imagined himself as a parent.

But Bella hadn’t mentioned it, so maybe it wouldn’t be relevant? 

He hopped off the treadmill and pretended to be winded. He wasn’t just being a lovesick idiot; he was also trying to solve some problems with the case. If this mother was right, which annoyingly, she probably was, then he was even more stuck. Why the hell would a vampire have any need for someone like Eliza Pancakes? Johnny Zest at least had something supernatural going on—hell, if Caleb knew what, but Eliza? She was a mortal, and not even an exciting one at that. Her case wasn’t a mystery. Bella would probably be calling any minute to tell him it was Salim and his shady bubble-blower deals that killed her.

Frustrated, he left the gym and jogged toward Bella’s house. As his feet hit the pavement, occult energy swelling instead of his lungs, Caleb tried to tell himself that he just had some questions about the case. But he knew the truth: he was 100% absolutely full of shit.