Chapter 17: Rules For Your Vampire Boyfriend



When your boyfriend was a vampire who had been kicking it since before the middle ages, it was hard to have any kind of chill. Alice tried, though. She focused on asking questions about his actual life, not his fangs, but Vlad seemed annoyed no matter what. A few weeks ago, during sex, she’d asked if he liked her on top and everything, including his erection, went south.

After that, she started turning their dates into outings with Gwendolyn. It was good for them to get to know each other, and the only time she saw Vlad completely relaxed was with the Tiny Terror. 

“She reminds me of Lilith,” he laughed when Alice laid down with him on the picnic blankets. 

They’d spent the morning splashing in the pond and trying to catch frogs. Gwendolyn had the exact dexterity one would expect from a toddler, but Vlad had infinite amounts of patience.

“Was Lilith terrible at catching frogs too?” Alice leaned back against his chest. She’d never noticed that he didn’t have a heartbeat but now found the lack of sound soothing. 

He chuckled and threaded his fingers through hers, his expression soft. “Lilith was born a spellcaster, which caused my ex-wife and me no small amount of challenges. She’d zoom from place to place and apparate into rooms at will. More than once, I had to pull on a linen shirt and breeches and track out to the woods in the middle of the night to let her run off the excess magic.”

“Yep, that sounds like Gwendolyn. Minus the magic part.” Alice sat up to face him, deciding to try her luck with another question. She loved talking about Gwendolyn; maybe he liked to talk about his kids too. “You said she’s some kind of genius professor?”

“The best Britechester has, not they know it. Or pay her enough.” He preened, launching into an explanation of her research which sounded borderline mystical to Alice but also very cool.

“And you had another kid?” she asked, “What was his name again?” 

Vlad’s expression shuttered. “Caleb.”

“What’s he—”

“We had a falling out over a century ago. He doesn’t talk to me.” He bit out every word like it was painful to say.

It was then that Alice realized how infinitely stupid she was. Yes, they both had baggage, but Vlad had over a thousand years of it. Her questions weren’t making him feel cared for; they gave him anxiety.

“Come here,” she tugged him down until his head was in her lap, running her fingers through his hair which had now grown into soft waves. He groaned, eyes fluttering shut as her nails scrapped across his scalp. 

“I think,” she began quietly, “Our first rule is a moratorium on our pasts. We don’t have to spend all our time interrogating each other. We’ll just tell each other stuff when it’s relevant.” 

He sat up, movements slow and languid, as he pulled her onto his lap with a smile. “Suprisingly, I like that rule.”

“Good. I’m sorry I overwhelmed you,” she wrapped her arms around his shoulders. “You don’t have to tell me shit if you don’t want to.”

“I want to tell you things,” he assured her, “I could do with fewer questions, yes, but it’s answering that gives me anxiety. I don’t know how to be. I don’t know how you’ll react to me unfiltered.”

Alice didn’t know either, but that was her problem to deal with, not his. “I don’t want you to be anything other than yourself. I mean, I don’t know how to ‘be’ either. You’re my first vampire boyfriend and if you hadn’t noticed, I’m an ex-con bartender who does not like sims.”

He nipped playfully at her lip, “Your dislike of sims is one of your more attractive qualities. And I will try to be myself, hopefully it’s more suave than scary.”

She giggled, “Hey, I see ghosts. Maybe I’m the scary one.”

Movers & Shakers Gym, Willow Creek


Caleb was only at a mortal gym in the suburbs because he had a lot of energy to burn. It certainly had nothing to do with Bella, even if it was in her neighborhood…a short jog from her house. 

Shit. He really was a lovesick idiot. And a total creeper. 

Well, not a total creeper. They were dating and working out at her neighborhood gym, hoping to casually run into her was…



At least he understood why she was holding back. Divorces were draining—in the case of his parents, literally—and they weren’t the ideal time to be seen dating someone. 

Maybe he could figure out a way to take her out in the Magic Realm. Then she wouldn’t have to worry about running into someone she knew and, thus, giving her ex-husband ammunition. Bella made him sound vindictive, which tracked. He had vague memories of the Goths, and none of them were good. She probably didn’t want to lose her kids.

Kids? Fuck. Caleb hadn’t ever imagined himself as a parent.

But Bella hadn’t mentioned it, so maybe it wouldn’t be relevant? 

He hopped off the treadmill and pretended to be winded. He wasn’t just being a lovesick idiot; he was also trying to solve some problems with the case. If this mother was right, which annoyingly, she probably was, then he was even more stuck. Why the hell would a vampire have any need for someone like Eliza Pancakes? Johnny Zest at least had something supernatural going on—hell, if Caleb knew what, but Eliza? She was a mortal, and not even an exciting one at that. Her case wasn’t a mystery. Bella would probably be calling any minute to tell him it was Salim and his shady bubble-blower deals that killed her.

Frustrated, he left the gym and jogged toward Bella’s house. As his feet hit the pavement, occult energy swelling instead of his lungs, Caleb tried to tell himself that he just had some questions about the case. But he knew the truth: he was 100% absolutely full of shit.

  • Snow ~
    December 4, 2022


    Vlad fantasising about dicing Salim is a mood. Okay I laughed way too many times during this chapter, first time definitely was Anastasia like ‘son stop hassling me about a murder I’m trying to eat my breakfast’ XD Poor Caleb. Imagine trying to be a change-maker and a sort of ‘cycle breaker’ when your parents are this lot XD

    I really love the complexity of the relationships in this story and I love the idea of a platonic life partner as well < 333 I mean it's nice that Bella gave Cass the money but really? Doing it just to get her out of the house so she can fuck Caleb? Really Bella? : : P Forget Interview with the Vampire, Bella's more interested in Intercourse with the Vampire XD

    I love that pic of Alice and Vlad lying together on the blanket. AND THE HEAD RUB CUDDLE HHH ;-; I love all the references to our stories in the books! Not gonna pretend the Divided one isn't my favourite because it is because validation because selfishness because we all love Kat, but I did laugh at 'Daddy Don' and also 'Lance-hot' XD

    That line about outliving the consequences makes me realise something actually, there really aren't any consequences for vampires are there and that probably is a part of it. 1, anyone who tries to fuck with you could never best you in a fight, and 2 time becomes meaningless. Jail sentences are probably nothing to an immortal (especially if you just drain the cops dry LMAO). Like prison for Vlad would just be a buffet. XD


    • feroshgirl
      December 4, 2022

      Vlad is absolutely a middle aged mom who is twice divorced (okay more than twice but who is counting)

      I sort of love that you empathize with Caleb. I mean, Ana is a lot. But weirdly they all just love each other so she can’t resist doling out advice on his case and he can’t resist asking her if everything is ok.

      Latimer = Vlad’s most stable relationship (that is saying a lot)

      Bella is…uh…it’s gonna be fine.

      INTERCOURSE WITH A VAMPIRE lololololololol I’ll just pack it in.

      My god.

      Vlad loves head scratches because he is a cat <3 I took a million additional unnecessary screenshots of this moment.

      I’m glad you liked the books. You’re all canon now. I feel really lucky to have this community of creative geniuses all making dope shit and it fuels me!


      I mean… *do* vampires outlive consequences? We shall see…

      (Lololol daddy Don is the greatest and the Duchelli Legacy author is just a boss and it’s a SimLit worth reading bc it is bonkers and emotional and involves a sex positive Don Lothario and I can’t rave about it enough)

      Lance-hot (I will be forever proud of this pun)

  • Dragoncat
    December 8, 2022

    LOL, Vlad is going on about outliving consequences, and then the chapter ends with that guy he bit and possible consequences. I’m not sure if he’ll actually experience anything, since “The Brindleton Bay Men’s Club of Knowing and Knowledge” don’t seem like they can stand up to a vampire. But things can change… Hm.

    Also, the contrast with Bella and Caleb kissing in front of the photographs of her family, one of which with her kissing Mortimer. And that divorce lie is going to bite Bella in the ass. I just know it.

    I’m happy that Vlad and Alice are being honest with one another at least.

    • feroshgirl
      December 18, 2022

      HAHAH yeah, you caught that huh? Oh Vlad, just keep chilling, I’m sure its al gonna be *fine*! I mean listen, maybe the club has a secret weapon! Who knows?

      (I mean I know but…shhhh)

      Whew. How could lying to your vampire boyfriend about your divorce come back to bite you (HA)?

      So far, only one couple is acting even remotely sane and somehow it’s Vlad and Alice lol! Thanks for reading!

  • Yimiki
    December 12, 2022

    Wow, Vlad, way to greet someone in the morning 😂 What are the access points to his building omg 🤣 though Salim does seem crooked in absolutely every way. And also Bella is questioning him and he’s probably involved in a ton of other things. “Savagely mauled to death by a vampire” probably is not the twist she’s expecting her case to take.

    Caleb is entirely too set on “not getting dragged into his mother’s bull” there. So much so that he reminds me of a teenager that ignores valuable advice just because muuuuuuuum said it. But that very much seems to be their dynamic, doesn’t it?

    Hehee. Yes Latimer, you are quite irresistible 🤭 I love that Alice is basically getting “kind old grandpa” for free there. Who knew that dating a murder-centric, extremely mentally disturbed vampire came with extra babysitting perks?

    [Mortimer had given Bella the greatest gift of their entire marriage: he was heading out of town.] So many red flags in this sentence alone oh my dear gods. I get that Bella isn’t happy. I do. But I have so incredibly little respect for her right now. Lying to her husband, trying to manipulate her teen daughter (some great projection there too, with the little “not everything is about you” bit), ditching her during an important moment yet AGAIN, bringing over her side piece while her son is home?!?!?!!? BELLA?!?! Lying to Caleb now oh my gods. That’s it. Bella is a potato 🥔 She’s not a mouldy potato, yet, but the woman is making so many bad choices and actively hurting her own children.

    There’s such a stark contrast this chapter between Bella/Caleb, and Alice/Vlad. I’m so glad that she realised her constant flood of questions was giving her anxiety; I don’t even have thousands of years of baggage, and I’d get upset over having to anticipate constant questions too.

    And now Caleb is going over in broad daylight. Dear lord. How long is it going to be before Alexander or Cassandra opens the door? Or even Mortimer himself? This is bound to explode so bad at some point.

    King Daddy 😂🤣 bwahaha, it sounds so wrong when you say it like that. Awww thank you for the shout-out! I loved all the little references in there. Lance-hot. I will never forget that nickname. 🤣 Not a witch, Alice. Just a potential goddess trapped in human form again, maybe. Possibly. I have absolutely no clue this time around, am just along for the ride. 🤭

    Ooooh. Oh bollocks. Well. What did you just say about not worrying about consequences, Vladdy?

    • feroshgirl
      December 18, 2022

      Oh dear, it’s been a crazy couple of weeks so I really thought I replied to this! LOL, You are right: Vlad has absolutely no chill, Caleb is still like an errant teenager, and Latimer is Ultimate Kind Old Grandpa!

      Bella is going through some things. Sigh. I mean, I want to defend her against that potato comment but I really can’t. Homegirl is a hot mess right now. As is Caleb, who is CASUALLY jogging over in the middle of the day. What is wrong with these two? Neither of them can control their impulses no matter how much they insist that they are “responsible” ones.

      <3 awww thank you for noticing the contrast. It is hilarious to me that Vlad, who is arguably the most unhinged, is somehow killing it in his relationship LOL

      Also, I adore your story and now it's canon that Tales of Camelot is in the library of the Strauds Universe <3


      Consequences? What consequences?

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