Chapter 27, Part 1: Bread Week is for the Undead

Laurel and Hodges Funeral Home

“I feel like this is a terrible idea,” Alice said, as she glanced at the funeral home’s ornate double doors.

“Not terrible! We head in, we blend, we get some food and then we slip into the back and interview the body. Bing Bang Boom: Barbara Jean’s banana bread recipe.”

“Where the hell did you learn the phrase “bing bang boom?” 

“I have my ways.” Ben insisted smugly, before admitting that he had watched an entire season of the cooking show where the host always talked about going to Flavortown. No matter how hard Alice tried, he could not be convinced that “Flavortown” was a metaphor.

“We’ll see about that,” he said cryptically.

Regardless of the existence (or non-existence) of Flavortown, Alice was still not sure how she let herself get talked into this insane plan. Barbara Jean Jeffries was a renowned celebrity pastry chef. She had a veritable empire of baking that all started in her home kitchen back in Willow Creek. She had passed away after a long bout with llama flu and her funeral was scheduled for this morning. 

Of all the plans that involved using her power, Alice supposed this was most reasonable one. Contrary to popular belief, ghosts didn’t usually pop out of dead bodies right away. And when they did, you never knew what you were going to get: poltergeists, banshees, orbs. The recently dead could be raised without much conflict or fanfare.

Still, creeping through the front doors of the funeral home reminded Alice of her various stints at the StrangerVille County jail. Detective Mary would not be pleased to hear that she was getting arrested again. 

“But they confiscated our ritual skulls!” 

“We were arrested for “naked cult practices,” Alice reminded him.

“Disturbing the peace,” Ben corrected.

“Naked. Cult. Practices.” Alice shook her head, “It doesn’t matter. We can’t talk about this right now.”

She crossed the entryway and peered into the main vestibule. Rows of sims filled the small space, and there were enough flowers in the room to fill a parade float. 

The worse part was something so obvious about funerals, Alice was embarrassed she forgot about it: everyone was dressed to the nines.

“Ben,” she said softly, looking down at her cut-off button down and jeans, “We have a problem.”

Agnes Crumplebottom’s Ladies’ Fashions


Agnes Crumplebottom’s Ladies Fashions was a small, garishly decorated shop, conveniently located next to the funeral home. From the moment Alice stepped into the store, she could sense something was wrong. Instead of the typical “how can I help you,” the place was filled with the sounds of hysterical crying.

“Umm…is everything okay? I just need a dress…to wear to the funeral I’m sneaking into so I can get a recipe from a dead celebrity chef,” Alice said, murmuring the last part under her breath.

“When you say it like that, it does sound like a crime!” Ben accused.

“It is not a crime!”

The sniffling paused. “A-are you a c-criminal?” a voice called out.

Alice was not a criminal…per se. Though she had broken some laws and yes, had been arrested, all the laws she broke were all stupid and mostly Ben’s fault and she wasn’t even on probation anymore so everyone just needed to relax.

“I’m not a criminal,” Alice called back.

“You haven’t been arrested?”

What the fuck?

“I have not recently been arrested, no. Is there like…I just want to buy a dress or a suit or something…” she again looked down at her clothes, “nice.”

Alice followed the sobbing sound upstairs to find a small blonde woman dressed impeccably in an off-the shoulder gown and fur stole.

“This is the source of the crying? I say we move on. She could really bring the whole vibe of the Underworld down,” Ben predicted.

“Hush!” Alice snapped.

The woman looked up, giving her a strange look. “I mean, are you okay?” Alice continued in a softer voice.

The woman sniffled. “Yes…no…my girlfriend just broke up with me and I…I don’t know what to do!”

The crying began again and Alice noticed, with no small amount of panic, that the room was beginning to vibrate. A crack formed in the paisley wallpaper as the painting on the wall crashed to the ground.

“Oh dear, a whole Potion of Emotional Instability bottle? She’s been bamboozled by a witch,” Ben said sadly.

Alice gave the woman her back. “What the heck are you talking about?”

“Potion of Emotional Instability, temporarily causes your emotions to surge to dangerous levels. The bottle is empty and the room is vibrating. She’s like a ticking time bomb.”

Alice bit her lip and kept her whisper very low. “So what does that mean? What are we supposed to do?”

“Decursify her. Or run, I guess.”

Alice shook her head. She could not summon up that kind of power (what the hell was decursify anyways?) and risk puking all over the floor when she still needed to get that recipe. And she couldn’t very well leave the woman here to die, even if she did “bring the whole vibe of the Underworld down.”

There had to be another way.

“Hey, what’s your name?”

“Agnes C-Crumplebottom. My whole family is cursed. We all end up like this!”

Before Agnes could launch into another round of sobbing, Alice put her hand up. “Your family is not cursed. Falling for someone stupid and underserving is the mortal condition.”

When had she started referring to sims as mortals?

Agnes’s crying subsided a little bit. “It is?” 

“Yeah, it is,” Alice confirmed, warming up to an idea that was percolatingin the back of her head. She needed to dampen Agnes’s emotions. Make her chill out until the effects of the potion wore off. 

“Agnes, you don’t happen to have a bubble blower lying around do you?”

  • Dolly Llama
    Apr 27, 2020

    Oh damn—this chapter is fantastic. The rapid-fire jokes had me smiling the whole time. Alice’s flashbacks are the best and so is her reassuring Agnes that she’s technically not *currently* in jail, followed by “oh btw I’m a Wendigo.” With a murder-stoner basement? Is your goal to make all the women in this universe totally awesome?

    Let me join you in commiserating that this series isn’t more popular, because it damn well deserves to be. All the little twists and tidbits and details are so satisfying.

    • feroshgirl
      Apr 28, 2020

      I’m glad you enjoyed them! Whenever I’m writing jokes I’m like: am I only the one who thinks this is funny? Man, I’ve been reworking Alice’s jail stint for awhile. Originally, I was going to have her start there in chapter 1, but I wanted her badassery to be a slow reveal. Speaking of which, yes, 100% my goal is that every woman is bad as hell and in command of her own shit. In this Universe, the dudes are playing catch up. Wendingo Agnes is personal goals: Grandma chic fashionista on the top, murder stoner on the bottom lol. Overall, I am really proud of this chapter!

      I read so many simlit stories that blow my mind they’re so good and I’m always like: how is no one reading this? But also, there is so much out there and I don’t know how anyone can keep up. I guess you need a reading group or to be active in the forums? But so much of my work life is being a public nerd, I can’t manage it for my personal life too. I do always try to leave comments and likes on the things I read because I value that, but I realize that isn’t everyone’s thing. On a good day, I’m like: I write for myself! I create for myself! On a not so good day I’m like: why do I spend so much time on this? Honestly though, just knowing a few people enjoy it means a lot and frankly, your feedback is worth so much.

      • Dolly Llama
        Apr 29, 2020

        Be proud! I think you’ve written enough to be in the word count range for a novel. “Oops, I accidentally wrote a novel” is a life achievement.

        What stories do you recommend, btw?

        And being a nerd all the time? Hmm? What’s that like? Sounds hysteretic.

  • lonecat82
    Jun 2, 2020

    I completely agree with the comments above. As I read this story, I’m like… wow, how doesn’t this have more likes or followers? I’m always blown away by your writing and your humor is spot on. I crack up every chapter. I have those same thoughts when I write, I’m always thinking to myself, is this funny or entertaining to anyone besides myself? But then I tell myself, screw it, I enjoy it, so I’ll just keep writing.
    I also like that you include several types of mythological creatures from different cultures. When I heard Agnes was a Wendigo, I geeked out and was like yes, a freaking Wendigo! I was totally not seeing that, but Agnes is awesome, murder basement and all.

    • feroshgirl
      Jun 4, 2020

      Thank you! AGNES BEING A WENDIGO IS MY FAVORITE PART lol. I play a lot of D&D so I wanted mythical creatures that went beyond just witches, vampires, and werewolves, even if for cc reasons, I mostly have to reference people in their “human” form.

      Glad to know I’m not alone on the :”is this funny?” question. Some days I am better at it than others, but I do believe in my heart that you’ve gotta write for yourself and what you enjoy. And I’m a weirdo with a dark heart and a love for villains 🙂

      Over the moon that you’re enjoying the story!

  • theplumbob
    Jul 9, 2020

    Aww, I’ve always had a soft spot for Ms Crumplebottom, I’m glad Alice has an ally of sorts in her now.

    Vlad, such a romantic lol. I see what you’re doing there, him dressing up all colourful and her in a black formal dress. I have high hopes this will not be wasted because I want to see Vlad’s jaw drop when he sees her! 😊

    You should definitely have more readers, though these things take a weirdly long time – I gather this story started last September? I think simlit is not as popular as it once was in general, I was pretty active in simlit 4-3 years ago and have only recently gotten into writing and reading it again (hence how I stumbled across your story), and the forums are a lot quieter these days I think. I did pop into your forum thread the other day to make some approving noises, I’m sure I will again but I don’t want to be talking to myself 😆 I have a feeling I’m catching up though, so rest assured when you launch season three I’ll be back in your thread with pom poms at the ready 🥰

  • Ninja Pink Sex
    Sep 23, 2022

    LOL Alice’s response to Jimena is priceless. I love how much Alice has grown, it’s like she finally feels comfortable in her own skin, and I wonder was it one event or the sum of multiple events that helped get her to this point in her life (because she was hit with A LOT in a short period of time: she is the God of Death and has a shit ton of powerful powers, vampires exist, she’s staying at a magically hidden hotel, bikes are the enemy, being part of a reality tv show, getting into a romantic relationship.

    the host always talked about going to Flavortown. No matter how hard Alice tried, he could not be convinced that “Flavortown” was a metaphor.
    “We’ll see about that,” he said cryptically.

    LMAO OMG BEN IS THE ANTI-PINK. It’s like euphemisms don’t exist to him. Ben, you are too pure for this world. I guess it’s hard to have a dirty mind when you’re the god of death. Death is kinda serious afterall. Like, could you imagine if I was the God of Death? Some dude saying his erection was killed and I’d be like HOLD MY CUP. Yeah, it makes sense that Ben doesn’t go in that direction :-p

    “We were arrested for “naked cult practices,” Alice reminded him.

    LMAO Ben and Alice having an argument over what she was arrested over. Goodness, Ben, this is not the century where that behavior is allowed (actually, it’s prob better to be arrested than burned at the stake for being thought of as a witch, so Alice, it could have been TONS worse).

    Okay, I must admit that when Alice strode into Agnes Crumplebottom’s Ladies Fashions I died. Gawd the dresses that go down to the floor. OF.FUCKING.COURSE. COVER IT ALL UP!!! Is it horrible i was secretly hoping she had a sex dungeon in her store? I was PRAYING for it. Damn though young Agnes C was a hottie. Damn but she turned sour to love in her older age.
    I’ve never heard of a Wendigo until now and YIKES. Sooooo, not a sex dungeon but Ms. C’s dining room. hahaha yuuuuuuum.
    At least Alice got her to calm down (or the bubble blower, but you know…). Alice is making a lot of supernatural friends. This is going to come in handy if shit hits the fans and she needs an army. Which I think is the direction this is probably gonna go.

    I really like Alice all dolled up. She looks adorable and sexy.

    Alice pulling out a hairpin to go pick some locks. Oh goodness AU Alice/The Strauds Alice would get along. Hahaha love 😀 😀 😀 😀

    • feroshgirl
      Sep 24, 2022

      I SWOON. Yes, Alice is growing into herself. She’s definitely had to deal with a lot and I appreciate that she keeps showing up. Does she get it right all the time? No. But damn that was a satisfying moment to write!

      LOL okay Ben being the anti-pink just makes me giggle so much for reasons you have not gotten to yet. But yeah, he 100% does not appreciate euphemisms. Not at all.

      Hehe, you can definitely see where Strauds Alice and BBD Alice get along. I mean, honestly, who hasn’t been arrested for naked cult practices? JK JK, no matter how much she complains, Ben is best friend and they get into shenanigans.

      Yoooooo young Agnes Crumplebottom being a rage filled demon monster! God, the best thing about this is that I cannot unsee your Agnes C in the sex club beating Caleb with her purse.

      • Ninja Pink Sex
        Sep 24, 2022

        It’s okay if Alice doesn’t always get it right, she’s learning, and life is all about learning. Without learning we wouldn’t have growth, we’d be stagnant. So I appreciate Alice’s development and how she continues to grow <3

        LOL Ok you have piqued my curiosity. I MUST know why Ben = anti-pink has you giggling. No spoilers needed, but it kills how quickly I want to find out.

        Well see you gotta just say fuck it and run when you hear the sirens. Too many others, who practice the cult while naked, hang around too long putting their clothes back on. Fuck it and run. Pass that along to Alice :-p

        LMAO I bet if young Alice came across my AU Caleb she'd beat him then eat him. Like Idk if she'd eat a vampire, or if they can be eaten (I imagine undead to taste rotten).

      • feroshgirl
        Sep 24, 2022

        I will just say that Ancient World had a lot of big DJ energy which is how we got into this mess in the first place 😂

      • Ninja Pink Sex
        Sep 24, 2022

        Bahahahahaha “Big DJ Energy” is my favorite phrase. Thank you, Fetish <3
        Godddddaaaaaamnit my curiosity is so fucking piqued right now it's like at boner-level. Ya killin me here, Ferosh.

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