Chapter 27, Part 1: Bread Week is for the Undead

Downtown Windenburg


“This is madness, Vladislaus, even for you. You can’t tell me that you’d rather go to your death than wear a coat in a different color,” William chastised.

Vlad gave him a look that said he would indeed prefer to go to his death, and do so gladly. 

“You’re no wee babe, this is not the sort of thing that has to end in violence,” he tried. 

Vlad only growled, the glint in his eye indicating that he was a half-second from turning. Was it just his imagination, or had his friend grown more unstable in the last six months?

William looked around the small dressing room. The walls would not survive the wings. 

“Listen here you bloody devil,” he spat, “You want to scare Alice off with a never-ending parade of black, be my guest!”

Vlad straightened, smiling in response—a smug, mephistophelian sort of thing that didn’t look bothered in the least by William’s outburst.

“So testy! I’m not unreasonable. I just wanted it to be clear that the day I wear the color yellow is the day I lay waste to this entire village.” 

“You could’ve just said no,” William grumbled. 

Agnes Crumplebottom’s Ladies’ Fashions

For reasons Alice did not want to explore, Agnes did have a bubble blower…
—In her murder basement that did not look like it belonged underneath such a quaint little shop.

“I’m a wendigo,” she explained apologetically.

A wendigo? Alice gave an involuntary wince and thought very loudly (not for the first time) about how Ben had royally fucked her by leaving important information out.

“Not all the time!” she held up her hands. “Just on the weekends. I have to eat and sims get really messy once you get to the entrails.”

“It’s fine!” Alice avowed, using her best, “the customer is always right, even when they are discussing entrails” voice.

After getting settled at the bubble blower, Agnes continued explaining about her girlfriend.

“She was sweet at first but then turned out to be a total bitch! I thought she was into me but she was just like the rest of her kind.”

She puffed, blowing out a string of bubbles. “Witches don’t like wendigos. Actually, no one likes wendigos. I mean you don’t seem to have a problem with us, right?”

“What? Me? No. None of my business, really…this…nope,” Alice stammered.

Agnes coughed and waved a hand. “Anyways, we only hung out when she was blitzed.”

Alice laughed, thinking of Kyle. “I’m in no place to judge. I boned a dude who called himself Cat’s Meow.”

She shivered, thinking of his smarmy face as he told her that while he didn’t have money, he could “get money.”

“Terrible self-inflicted nicknames. Sounds like my ex: ‘Witch’s Broom.’ What happened?” Agnes asked, reaching to refill the bubble blower.

“Well, I ignored the fact that he got money from a house where a guy chased after us yelling about the llama-fucker who stole his stash—”

Don’t forget the inauspicious placement of the mailbox. That was a sign,” Ben added.

Alice ignored him. “And I went with him while we spent all that stolen money on nectar and jukebox songs and Passionfruit Potion for the bubble blower. And then after we were blitzed on shots and high as kites, I told him one true thing about myself and he made me believe that it was okay.”

Alice paused to take huff, another thought occurring to her. “No, he didn’t make me believe. I wanted to believe, but the only thing he actually said was that I was ‘smokeshow and we should fuck.’”

Agnes coughed, and drew her eyebrows together. “Was it good?”

“I…” Alice hesitated. Even now, the embarrassment of that whole weekend burned her. “No. He fell asleep five minutes into the process. He saved me in his cellphone under the name ‘hot weird girl’ and he didn’t even take me back to his house to have sex! His buddy’s mom came home early and the whole thing was a horror show.”

Agnes laughed and after a moment, Alice joined in too. The shop had stopped vibrating. 

“Sages above, that makes me feel so much better! Listen, I can help you get that dress. You’ll be the best dressed person at that…” Agnes trailed off. “Where are you going?”

“Uh…funeral,” Alice mumbled.

“You’ll be the best dressed person at that funeral! I’m actually really pretty damn good at what I do when I’m not crying over my broken heart.” 

She stood and brushed herself off. “You’re way better than that witch who took my money and sold me that bullshit potion. I hope you find someone who doesn’t make you feel like a weirdo and actually cares about you.”

Alice tried to smile, but damn it if her heart didn’t think about Vlad. 

  • Dolly Llama
    Apr 27, 2020

    Oh damn—this chapter is fantastic. The rapid-fire jokes had me smiling the whole time. Alice’s flashbacks are the best and so is her reassuring Agnes that she’s technically not *currently* in jail, followed by “oh btw I’m a Wendigo.” With a murder-stoner basement? Is your goal to make all the women in this universe totally awesome?

    Let me join you in commiserating that this series isn’t more popular, because it damn well deserves to be. All the little twists and tidbits and details are so satisfying.

    • feroshgirl
      Apr 28, 2020

      I’m glad you enjoyed them! Whenever I’m writing jokes I’m like: am I only the one who thinks this is funny? Man, I’ve been reworking Alice’s jail stint for awhile. Originally, I was going to have her start there in chapter 1, but I wanted her badassery to be a slow reveal. Speaking of which, yes, 100% my goal is that every woman is bad as hell and in command of her own shit. In this Universe, the dudes are playing catch up. Wendingo Agnes is personal goals: Grandma chic fashionista on the top, murder stoner on the bottom lol. Overall, I am really proud of this chapter!

      I read so many simlit stories that blow my mind they’re so good and I’m always like: how is no one reading this? But also, there is so much out there and I don’t know how anyone can keep up. I guess you need a reading group or to be active in the forums? But so much of my work life is being a public nerd, I can’t manage it for my personal life too. I do always try to leave comments and likes on the things I read because I value that, but I realize that isn’t everyone’s thing. On a good day, I’m like: I write for myself! I create for myself! On a not so good day I’m like: why do I spend so much time on this? Honestly though, just knowing a few people enjoy it means a lot and frankly, your feedback is worth so much.

      • Dolly Llama
        Apr 29, 2020

        Be proud! I think you’ve written enough to be in the word count range for a novel. “Oops, I accidentally wrote a novel” is a life achievement.

        What stories do you recommend, btw?

        And being a nerd all the time? Hmm? What’s that like? Sounds hysteretic.

  • lonecat82
    Jun 2, 2020

    I completely agree with the comments above. As I read this story, I’m like… wow, how doesn’t this have more likes or followers? I’m always blown away by your writing and your humor is spot on. I crack up every chapter. I have those same thoughts when I write, I’m always thinking to myself, is this funny or entertaining to anyone besides myself? But then I tell myself, screw it, I enjoy it, so I’ll just keep writing.
    I also like that you include several types of mythological creatures from different cultures. When I heard Agnes was a Wendigo, I geeked out and was like yes, a freaking Wendigo! I was totally not seeing that, but Agnes is awesome, murder basement and all.

    • feroshgirl
      Jun 4, 2020

      Thank you! AGNES BEING A WENDIGO IS MY FAVORITE PART lol. I play a lot of D&D so I wanted mythical creatures that went beyond just witches, vampires, and werewolves, even if for cc reasons, I mostly have to reference people in their “human” form.

      Glad to know I’m not alone on the :”is this funny?” question. Some days I am better at it than others, but I do believe in my heart that you’ve gotta write for yourself and what you enjoy. And I’m a weirdo with a dark heart and a love for villains 🙂

      Over the moon that you’re enjoying the story!

  • theplumbob
    Jul 9, 2020

    Aww, I’ve always had a soft spot for Ms Crumplebottom, I’m glad Alice has an ally of sorts in her now.

    Vlad, such a romantic lol. I see what you’re doing there, him dressing up all colourful and her in a black formal dress. I have high hopes this will not be wasted because I want to see Vlad’s jaw drop when he sees her! 😊

    You should definitely have more readers, though these things take a weirdly long time – I gather this story started last September? I think simlit is not as popular as it once was in general, I was pretty active in simlit 4-3 years ago and have only recently gotten into writing and reading it again (hence how I stumbled across your story), and the forums are a lot quieter these days I think. I did pop into your forum thread the other day to make some approving noises, I’m sure I will again but I don’t want to be talking to myself 😆 I have a feeling I’m catching up though, so rest assured when you launch season three I’ll be back in your thread with pom poms at the ready 🥰

  • Ninja Pink Sex
    Sep 23, 2022

    LOL Alice’s response to Jimena is priceless. I love how much Alice has grown, it’s like she finally feels comfortable in her own skin, and I wonder was it one event or the sum of multiple events that helped get her to this point in her life (because she was hit with A LOT in a short period of time: she is the God of Death and has a shit ton of powerful powers, vampires exist, she’s staying at a magically hidden hotel, bikes are the enemy, being part of a reality tv show, getting into a romantic relationship.

    the host always talked about going to Flavortown. No matter how hard Alice tried, he could not be convinced that “Flavortown” was a metaphor.
    “We’ll see about that,” he said cryptically.

    LMAO OMG BEN IS THE ANTI-PINK. It’s like euphemisms don’t exist to him. Ben, you are too pure for this world. I guess it’s hard to have a dirty mind when you’re the god of death. Death is kinda serious afterall. Like, could you imagine if I was the God of Death? Some dude saying his erection was killed and I’d be like HOLD MY CUP. Yeah, it makes sense that Ben doesn’t go in that direction :-p

    “We were arrested for “naked cult practices,” Alice reminded him.

    LMAO Ben and Alice having an argument over what she was arrested over. Goodness, Ben, this is not the century where that behavior is allowed (actually, it’s prob better to be arrested than burned at the stake for being thought of as a witch, so Alice, it could have been TONS worse).

    Okay, I must admit that when Alice strode into Agnes Crumplebottom’s Ladies Fashions I died. Gawd the dresses that go down to the floor. OF.FUCKING.COURSE. COVER IT ALL UP!!! Is it horrible i was secretly hoping she had a sex dungeon in her store? I was PRAYING for it. Damn though young Agnes C was a hottie. Damn but she turned sour to love in her older age.
    I’ve never heard of a Wendigo until now and YIKES. Sooooo, not a sex dungeon but Ms. C’s dining room. hahaha yuuuuuuum.
    At least Alice got her to calm down (or the bubble blower, but you know…). Alice is making a lot of supernatural friends. This is going to come in handy if shit hits the fans and she needs an army. Which I think is the direction this is probably gonna go.

    I really like Alice all dolled up. She looks adorable and sexy.

    Alice pulling out a hairpin to go pick some locks. Oh goodness AU Alice/The Strauds Alice would get along. Hahaha love 😀 😀 😀 😀

    • feroshgirl
      Sep 24, 2022

      I SWOON. Yes, Alice is growing into herself. She’s definitely had to deal with a lot and I appreciate that she keeps showing up. Does she get it right all the time? No. But damn that was a satisfying moment to write!

      LOL okay Ben being the anti-pink just makes me giggle so much for reasons you have not gotten to yet. But yeah, he 100% does not appreciate euphemisms. Not at all.

      Hehe, you can definitely see where Strauds Alice and BBD Alice get along. I mean, honestly, who hasn’t been arrested for naked cult practices? JK JK, no matter how much she complains, Ben is best friend and they get into shenanigans.

      Yoooooo young Agnes Crumplebottom being a rage filled demon monster! God, the best thing about this is that I cannot unsee your Agnes C in the sex club beating Caleb with her purse.

      • Ninja Pink Sex
        Sep 24, 2022

        It’s okay if Alice doesn’t always get it right, she’s learning, and life is all about learning. Without learning we wouldn’t have growth, we’d be stagnant. So I appreciate Alice’s development and how she continues to grow <3

        LOL Ok you have piqued my curiosity. I MUST know why Ben = anti-pink has you giggling. No spoilers needed, but it kills how quickly I want to find out.

        Well see you gotta just say fuck it and run when you hear the sirens. Too many others, who practice the cult while naked, hang around too long putting their clothes back on. Fuck it and run. Pass that along to Alice :-p

        LMAO I bet if young Alice came across my AU Caleb she'd beat him then eat him. Like Idk if she'd eat a vampire, or if they can be eaten (I imagine undead to taste rotten).

      • feroshgirl
        Sep 24, 2022

        I will just say that Ancient World had a lot of big DJ energy which is how we got into this mess in the first place 😂

      • Ninja Pink Sex
        Sep 24, 2022

        Bahahahahaha “Big DJ Energy” is my favorite phrase. Thank you, Fetish <3
        Godddddaaaaaamnit my curiosity is so fucking piqued right now it's like at boner-level. Ya killin me here, Ferosh.

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